Ré-unis

Ce matin, (il est en fait 3pm mais j’ai toujours l’impression d’être en train de me réveiller) j’ai encore une fois remarqué que j’étais distraite. Pas de concentration. Ou plutôt une attention dispersée. Ca me rend inconfortable. Je suis éparpillée dans tous les sens. Une tonne d’idées. Je veux être TOUT. Tout être à la fois. 


Ainsi, je me suis assise par terre pour dessiner. À plusieurs reprise, je suis montrée en haut pour vérifier la cuisson de mon riz et lentils, j’ai aussi branché-débranché mon téléphone, envie et puis plus envie de musique. Pour tranquillement, minimiser l’espace mental et arrêter de courir partout. 


Je suis ici, maintenant. Je laisse le sol me prendre et l’énergie créative me bercer, me transporter loin et proche. 

Couleurs, courbes, sons des crayons sur le papier, un frottement, le bois, la mine, mes mains froides. Il y a un courant frais ici. Je rêve de chaleur étouffante, enveloppante. 


Je suis déjà là-bas. Au soleil. Dans la lumière à observer mon ombre. Je vois aussi celle des autres. La danse de destruction et de création. Être sensuel. Légèreté. Mouvement du bassin. constant. Puisser la vie du sol. 


Et oui. Une panoplie d’idée. de petites lumières. qui parfois se réunissent. elles deviennent un feu qui me réchauffe de l’intérieur. 


Écrire. Assembler un livre. celui que je voudrais lire. que je voudrais prendre et m’y perdre pour un instant. Un livre qui fait rêver mais aussi penser. qui fait sentir et être simplement. qui fait grandir, d’un centimètre de conscience. 


Créer. Déchirer et mettre ensemble. des morceaux de papier. Une nouvelle vie. perspective. vision. à partir du passé. se réinventer. et continuer le cycle. 


Tâcher. Faire une trace. une utilité qui se fait sentir. très subtil. Parfois je me demande pourquoi je dessine. à quoi ca sert? Hier, j’ai ouvert mes archives. des dixaines, des centaines? de feuilles, de toiles.. Quoi faire avec toutes mes oeuvres? Ca me stresse tellement d’y penser. de savoir que j’ai des objets. des expériences qui me suivent. auxquelles je suis attachée.. 


Laisser aller. Au vent. Ca fait peur mais du bien en même temps. 

Ou tout brûler. 


Imagine. Ca ferait mal. 


J’aime le fait de pouvoir danser. Une autre facon de faire des traces. Moins incombrant?


Réunir. Pas à Pas. 






1.2.3

French version here


Here are the first pictures taken during my stay in Martinique. An interest for groups, trios. Three; reminds me of triangles, a certain harmony … 


I’m here at home. In my room, sitting on the floor writing on my computer. 

And I wonder why. 

It seems like I can’t do anything else. I spent the day trying to escape this place or rather the discomfort within me. I am running in circles, going to so many places in my head that it exhausts me. In the end, the farthest I went, in reality, is only a few streets away. 

I walked observing the sunset from the corner of my eyes; without being able to fully enjoy it. This habit: of being elsewhere; seems to have spread over my whole being. 

Yet… I know how to meditate, how to be simply. Pay attention to the breath, welcome existence. The life that dances, vibrates in and around us. 


Ideas are not what is missing. These lights within, sometimes I flick them on, sometimes I play with the darkness. 

I wonder if I have a talent for writing. I do not know if the flow goes through when I use words (yet). I’m used to colors, lines, curves; I like abstraction because it speaks in a language that I can’t grasp mentally, only feel. When I draw, there is a moment of calm and incomparable presence. I am confidence, not as usual when I tell myself that I must be confident. 

I like when things happen naturally. I’ve been learning for the past few years that “natural” doesn’t always mean easy or without pain. Without force? I guess not. Without control? Here is the key.. and the mystery.


Hence, I take a pencil and my hand knows exactly where to land. I let things go as if the ‘I’ disappears for a moment. Life, the creative force guides, flows through the body. 

I imagine a sort of training is required to get there. A practice of opening, witnessing as well as lowering the need to control. I wish I could apply that in my physical reality. It doesn’t work if I impose a certain appearance or way of being. I must accept what is offered to me while having a clear direction. Having the material; the pencils, the paper gives security, a framework in which I am free to explore. It happens that I rationalize what it is traced on the sheet but the thoughts surfacing are not invasive. I can listen. Sometimes they lead to play or self-understanding. 


I like writing. It captivates me but at the same time, I get frustrated a little. I read over again and I tell myself that it is not interesting or that it is not what I mean exactly. It’s a practice. 

My own rules. I can put dots where I want to, commas. Words alone or accompanied. Pieces of sentences. Crumbs of thoughts. A slight smile. 


Back to the trios. 

The body, nature and the trace. 

In the end, it’s all the same thing. There is no real separation. 


Stay truthful. Questioning, doubting and jumping from one thought to another seem to belong here. 


A space for creative uncertainty. 


Uniting all. 


1.2.3. 


 Harmony.


Alignment

Wrote this on december 30th 2018: 

”Little creation for the new year - alignment. 
As I am reflecting on 2018, I am happy and thankful. Such moments of magic - I wrote, created, screamed, cried, loved a bunch. First day of the year, I felt broken and alone being far from home and breaking up with my love at the time. On that day I told myself that my light was precious and that I deserved to shine.  This word traveled and stayed with me, to creep back when needed as a reminder. I am still learning what it means to let myself shine. I experimented with how it can impact others. I met such beautiful beings along the way. Many big dreams came into reality or at least appeared to be more accessible. 

Then a few months ago I dropped everything, didn’t feel like doing the stuff I loved doing during the summer (paintings, meditation, silent retreats, art shows..). A lot of inner motions came up, I saw my little body ; such strength and flexibility yet expressing tensions and fears ; wanting to open up and speak. What I know now is that I feel alive when I move / dance. I don’t really know where I’m going but I am - with a (stronger) sense of presence - life is flowing - this alignment with existence will lead me through the new year. ”

———————————————————————————————————————-

We are now two weeks into 2019 and I keep on wondering what this alignment means to me. 

Is it something to achieve, to reach? Is it a process? How do I know if I am on the ”right” path? 

I know all is within, I am probably my own greatest guide. Still, I find myself reaching for books and also my phone… With all those research on google, tons of questions; infinite blogs posts: 7 ways to know you are doing good, steps to move into alignment, how to get what you want and need in life… 


What if I imagined I’m this blogger that seems to have figured it out? Here I am writing my own post to help.. myself. 


Alignment: 

acceptation, unity, harmony, adaptation, balance,

a position of alliance with your true self. 


The 5 steps into alignment : 

1. Fuck this. 

2. Trust

3. It’s okay

4. Breathe. Smile

5. Repeat


Reminders : 


I don’t need to focus on the external. On the actual outcome. I can’t even grasp the potential gifts life has. 

I don’t have to understand and picture everything. 

Spend some time in trust that things will be okay, that life is love and I am constantly supported. 

It is part of the process. Things, emotions, beliefs come up. I can handle it otherwise it wouldn’t surface. 


Feel peace now and know that everything will organize itself around this moment. 


At peace with not being at peace. 

Not afraid of being afraid. 

Not trying to control my need for control. 

Contentment even through discontentment. 


Ouff. 


Using Format