Ré-unis

Ce matin, (il est en fait 3pm mais j’ai toujours l’impression d’être en train de me réveiller) j’ai encore une fois remarqué que j’étais distraite. Pas de concentration. Ou plutôt une attention dispersée. Ca me rend inconfortable. Je suis éparpillée dans tous les sens. Une tonne d’idées. Je veux être TOUT. Tout être à la fois. 


Ainsi, je me suis assise par terre pour dessiner. À plusieurs reprise, je suis montrée en haut pour vérifier la cuisson de mon riz et lentils, j’ai aussi branché-débranché mon téléphone, envie et puis plus envie de musique. Pour tranquillement, minimiser l’espace mental et arrêter de courir partout. 


Je suis ici, maintenant. Je laisse le sol me prendre et l’énergie créative me bercer, me transporter loin et proche. 

Couleurs, courbes, sons des crayons sur le papier, un frottement, le bois, la mine, mes mains froides. Il y a un courant frais ici. Je rêve de chaleur étouffante, enveloppante. 


Je suis déjà là-bas. Au soleil. Dans la lumière à observer mon ombre. Je vois aussi celle des autres. La danse de destruction et de création. Être sensuel. Légèreté. Mouvement du bassin. constant. Puisser la vie du sol. 


Et oui. Une panoplie d’idée. de petites lumières. qui parfois se réunissent. elles deviennent un feu qui me réchauffe de l’intérieur. 


Écrire. Assembler un livre. celui que je voudrais lire. que je voudrais prendre et m’y perdre pour un instant. Un livre qui fait rêver mais aussi penser. qui fait sentir et être simplement. qui fait grandir, d’un centimètre de conscience. 


Créer. Déchirer et mettre ensemble. des morceaux de papier. Une nouvelle vie. perspective. vision. à partir du passé. se réinventer. et continuer le cycle. 


Tâcher. Faire une trace. une utilité qui se fait sentir. très subtil. Parfois je me demande pourquoi je dessine. à quoi ca sert? Hier, j’ai ouvert mes archives. des dixaines, des centaines? de feuilles, de toiles.. Quoi faire avec toutes mes oeuvres? Ca me stresse tellement d’y penser. de savoir que j’ai des objets. des expériences qui me suivent. auxquelles je suis attachée.. 


Laisser aller. Au vent. Ca fait peur mais du bien en même temps. 

Ou tout brûler. 


Imagine. Ca ferait mal. 


J’aime le fait de pouvoir danser. Une autre facon de faire des traces. Moins incombrant?


Réunir. Pas à Pas. 






A reminder to Surrender. to Open


I found this paper I wrote three years ago, I was in a period of self-reflection and a lot of breakdowns. I decided to go see an art therapist to see clearer and find peace. So I wrote a list of the ”states” or things I was struggling with. When I read the list a few days ago, I was struck by how I was still in this similar inner environment. 

How come?  After years of running around and living a bunch; school, training, hours of meditation, moving to a different province, whole new groups of friends, different type of jobs, travels… here I am back to the same point. I did a full circle, or many. 


There is still this sense of lack of true happiness, of love. Except in those magical moments of openness, connection. I keep on wondering if this is simply how life works. I just have to accept that it comes in waves ; up & down. 


I’ve been unemployed the past few days having free time filled with amazing moments of flow : just creating and being with inspiring people but also lots of contact with fears, desires and unfulfillment. I’ve worked hard, mental game of listening to ideas and what I want to do, achieve, what is the direction I am taking. I was feeling lost and was looking for clarity but I seemed to go deeper into the infinite mind stuff. I felt bad not simply taking it in the present moment and trusting that it will work out instead of forcing - controlling my reality. I was pretty much saying no to it. But yes to the dreams in my mind, sending the message that once they come to life I will be happy. In other words, here are the conditions I put on my openness to happiness - here’s what I need in order to be satisfied with life. 


Yet the river is always flowing. 

It is within me. 

I decide if I open myself to it or not. 


I went to the art studio today to chat and collaborate on creative projects. A friend came by and explained how he was trying to find his reference point, his center to make sense of his experiences of the present. He mentioned the book The Surrendering Experiment by Michael Singer. I resonated with the title and what I sensed this guy’s story was about. Looking into it, I found this video : 


Here are the little notes taken while listening to this talk : 


We want to feel good, we all want Love. 
Yet we say : what I want is a relationship, I need a job, I need to go travel there… It will make me feel good, happy. 


With honesty, we are actually craving for a certain inner state. To satisfy this craving we are grasping and chasing the (outside) things that makes us feel good. 

We are either in a opened or closed state. Allowing for our natural joy to flow or blocking it with mental conditions. 

If the world unfolds the way we want we tend to feel happy. When unwanted or unpleasant events occur we find ourselves closed off, blocked - the joy no longer flows. 

But why it that? Do we really want to be slave of these limiting happiness conditions? Can we choose to open ourselves to existence and not to be slaves of our desires? 

Life doesn’t happen for us. It happen through and around us. We can decide to follow the current or resist - try to control it. 

Tap into who you are and you’ll see you’re already fulfilled. All the love, security, warmth is there within. 

”You decide. It is your heart, your mind. It doesn’t need conditions to open.”

Preferences limit your joy and lead to you running around trying to match them. 

If I am already feeling what I want to feel I’m not looking for it outside. My actions aren’t driven by my lack of openness to the love within.  My actions are rooted in Presence, in Love, in Existence, in God or whatever you call it. 

So next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re closing, choose to open. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________


There is so much beauty in the variety of ways this message is expressed. 

Michael Singer has done a simple and lovely articulation of it. 


Welcoming life and not turning away from its energy and love in all moments


I am thankful for this reminder. 


I now commit to : 

Opening to what I normally close myself to. 


If I don’t open myself up in certain situations, I imagine they will just keep on coming back until I am ready and welcoming. That’s why I feel like through the years I have been going in circles. Experiencing different outer things but the inner state is pretty much the same.


I know the wonders of opening to Life - Love, it happens each time I create. It flows and leads to sharing - caring of the Whole. 


Hence, we 

Practice not closing. 

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